JEWEL SHYST

THIS time last week his agent was telling us that Jewellery Brellier is the type of player who brings wood to the fire.

But now we know he's also the sort of Big Jessie who brings diamond earrings to the Champions League.

Yesterday's UEFA Cup draw gives Hearts almost three weeks to get their excuses prepared before they face Sparta Prague.

Fingers crossed they can dream up something slightly less laughable than the absolute nonsense spouted on Wednesday night.

Do the Jambos seriously expect us to believe their Champions League exit is all down to one of their players wearing a little bit of Pat Butcher's bling?

AEK Athens totally outclassed Hearts over the two legs and I'm just delighted I didn't rush to the bookies when Vladimir Romanov promised they'd win the Champions League trophy within two years.

Based on the shocking midweek evidence, I reckon the only silverware the Jambos can look forward to seeing is the Challenge Cup.

Unless, of course, Mr Brellier treats himself to a nice wee ankle bracelet before today's game against Caley Thistle.

The way Tyne castle head coach (at the time of writing) Valdas Ivanauskas was ranting and raving about the referee, you'd be forgiven for thinking Hearts were narrowly pipped on the away goals rule.

Bollocks - they got horsed 5-1. And I can only imagine they're still yapping on about Jewellery's dismissal - a 100 per cent correct decision by the Russian ref - to deflect some of the attention from a total humping.

Back in the good old days, footballers would never have worn jewellery - particularly south of the border where they'd have been too terrified it got nicked by Bobby Moore.

Apart from anything else, wearing exposed diamond earrings is potentially more dangerous than going for a 50/50 with Ben Thatcher and Jewellery Brellier should stop all this nonsense before it gets out of hand.

Hands up all the SPL defenders who fancy going up for a header with the Hearts midfielder when he's wearing a diamond-encrusted tiara?

To be fair though, Brellier wasn't the only player on Wednesday night with his jewels on display.

What about Neil McCann's two-footed lunge at the Greek player's Elgin Marbles?

Meanwhile, I think it's only fair to say that Man Utd, Benfica and FC Copenhagen have been drawn against one of the biggest names in world football - I'm talking, of course, about Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink.

However, now that Bobo Balde has promised he'll also be playing for Celtic in the Champions League, I suppose all three clubs will probably just stay at home and concede the points to Celtic.

Everyone agree?

Celebrity Hoops fan John Higgins will also be AWOL.

According to yesterday's papers, he's ditched his Parkhead season ticket to concentrate on his career and family life.

Bit of a shame really, as Celtic will surely require snookers to get out of Group F.

Seriously though, well done to the club for charging supporters just £84 for the three-game package - let's face it, £28 to watch Man Utd in the Champions League surely represents great value for money in the same season it costs £19 for Livingston versus Queen of the South.

It will be a special occasion when the British giants clash on September 13 - yes, it's the 50th time they've played each other this year - and I fear the worst for the current SPL champions.

Considering Man Utd's under-19 team shafted Celtic 3-0 at Parkhead in a meaningless friendly, how do you think Fergie's big boys will fare in the Champions League?

Taken from the Daily Record