SO TONY, IS THIS THE WAY TO WIND SCOTS FANS UP?

THE Tony Christie CDs had been piled high in my back garden. The petrol had been poured. And the Swan Vesta was just about to be struck ...

Thankfully, though, I suddenly came to my senses and decided against setting fire to my entire collection of recordings by the man responsible for England's unofficial World Cup song.

I mean, why should any Scot be upset by this re-working of Amarillo?

Tony Christie's English. He's an England fan. So why shouldn't he record an England World Cup song?

Imagine how we'd have felt if our friends in the south had given Andy Cameron a hard time when he released We're On The March With Ally's Army in 1978?

But they didn't. They loved it.

And the Top of the Pops audience even danced to it.

In the end, it was only us Scots who hated the song. But how was Andy to know Peru would gub us 3-1?

Anyway, folks, I'm now of the same opinion as the Hotline caller, Alan Rees from Johnstone, who phoned the sportsdesk to complain about our anti-English hysteria.

You're right, mate. Some of it is verging on racism and I have to agree that all the accusations of OTT jingoism are pretty rich from the country that organised a victory parade before our squad left for the 1978 World Cup in Argentina.

In fact, you know what? I've come to the conclusion we're nothing but a nation of narrow-minded, mean-spirited bigots whose jealousy doesn't allow us to handle the fact that England have qualified for the World Cup while we're staying at home.

Again. One person who falls straight into that category is my Perth pal Mike Mason.

Believe it or not, he's currently refusing to step outside if it's 19C.

Why?

Well, the fahrenheit equivalent is 66.

You can guess Mike's opinion on Clive Tyldesley, John Motson and co (the voodoo dolls are a pretty good clue), but I honestly don't think the English commentators are any more biased than our lot.

Do you remember listening to Arthur Montford giving it laldy during a Scotland game? If you thought he was neutral, I wouldn't advise you to have a stab at any electrical wiring.

As for all the non-stop references to 1966, do you reckon we'd keep our thoughts to ourselves if Scotland had won the World Cup 40 years ago?

No chance.

Just look how often we prattle on about 1967 when we beat the world champions 3-2 in an utterly meaningless game at Wembley.

And if you wish the English would stop reminding us about Gordon Banks' save against Pele, perhaps that's something to consider the next time you mention the words "Archie" and "Gemmill".

Countless pairs of tartan knickers are currently in a twist thanks to the World Cup Goals Galore programme on BBC4 earlier in the week.

Apparently, the bloke doing the voice-over greeted every goal against Scotland with the words: "Bye-bye."

So what?

After years of making jokes about David Seaman's blunders, Diego Maradona's wonderful Hand of God goal and all the duff penalty shoot-outs that resulted in Pizza Hut ads, surely we're big enough to accept a taste of our own medicine?

Some of the stuff reported in the papers this week has been downright embarrassing.

For example, Asda branches in Scotland have cleared the shelves of a CD featuring England songs so customers won't feel offended.

That's pathetic.

Can you imagine the reaction up here if stores in England had removed a CD of Scottish songs?

The Tartan Army would go ballistic.

By the same token, Matalan shops north of the border have stopped selling England tops.

When did the thick-skinned people of Scotland, who usually enjoy a laugh at our own expense, suddenly become so easily offended?

I'm well and truly fed-up with all this petty, anti-English nonsense.

So you know what I'm going to do for the next four weeks (and I advise the rest of you to follow suit)? Instead of hating all things English, I'm going to think about some of the great things England has given us - Matt Monro, Cumberland sausages, Bernard Manning, Cadbury's Dairy Milk and Bernie Clifton's ostrich.

Mind you, considering England also gave us Bobby Davro, Davina McCall, Gary Lineker, Ant and Dec, Matthew Kelly and Les Dennis, here's hoping they get horsed 5-0 by Paraguay on Saturday.


Taken from the Daily Record