FIRST CRY AT HAMPDEN SINCE BERTIE WAS BOSS

SITTING directly in front of a couple of natural comedians meant I was able to overhear the sort of exchange that summed up the feel-good factor at Hampden on Saturday.

First punter: "I need a 1-0 scoreline for my coupon."

Second punter: "Naw, mate, you need a plastic surgeon for your coupon."

The game finished 1-1, of course, with the Jammy Tarts lifting the Scottish Cup (and the bridesmaids from Gretna claiming a moral victory) after a dramatic penalty shoot-out.

But it wasn't just the chap with the dud betting-slip who was sobbing at the end.

Nope, I must admit there was a wee tear in my eye as I watched Gretna supremo Brooks Mileson - my Scottish Football

Personality of the Year - being warmly applauded by 40,000 Hearts fans as he enjoyed a well-deserved lap of honour.

I've only cried at Hampden on two previous occasions: in 1991 when Motherwell won the Cup' and 2002 to 2005 when Berti Vogts was the Scotland manager.

There was a great atmosphere inside the national stadium on Saturday and it could have been even more electric if they'd provided the Gorgie glory-hunters with a sheet of song lyrics. The 12,000 Gretna fans were also in great voice and I bet there were one or two sore throats when they went back to school on Monday...

If you're still not convinced the Scottish Cup Final was totally enthralling stuff, here's something to think about. Scotland - yes, Scotland - won a trophy on Saturday (the Kirin Cup), yet this rare achievement was completely overshadowed by the exhilarating events at Hampden Park.

To be honest, though, even if I'd watched Pearl Harbor on BBC1 last Wednesday, I still don't think I'd have been up for a meaningless match against Japan.

Nope, it was Gretna's day (hands up all the red-faced Hearts fans who honestly think you deserved to win the trophy?) and David came agonisingly close to slaying Goliath.

The Borders village of Gretna is tiny - in fact, a few days before the final I understand it was officially twinned with John Prescott's boaby - and I was beginning to fear they would steal Motherwell's thunder at the weekend.

However, I reckon tomorrow, May 18, will still be the 15th anniversary of the greatest Scottish Cup Final in history - Motherwell's epic 4-3 victory against Dundee United.

Anyone care to disagree?

Acrowd of 100,000 people lined the streets of Edinburgh on Sunday as Hearts paraded the trophy and you can only feel sorry for the Hibs fans.

Wonder if the Easter Road club will hire an open-top bus to parade their players as they head across the M8 to Celtic Park?

Let's be honest, it's the only way the Hibs fans will see one of those vehicles.

The last time they won the Scottish Cup, I believe the guys building Edinburgh Castle were given time off to watch the procession down Princes Street...
TUNE INTO SOME BARKING-MAD RADIO

DOG Radio has been launched in Thailand to play the sort of music that pet pooches find relaxing.

Makes it easier to get them into the frying pan, I suppose . . .

But what appropriate songs do you think the station will broadcast?

Send your suggestions to the usual address and I'll compile the top 20 next week. To get the ball rolling, what about Puppy Love, Up On The Woof or the Abba classic Pooper Scooper?

New Celtic signing Derek Riordan has revealed he hid his uncle's ashes in his Hibs tracksuit pocket and scattered them on the Parkhead pitch during the warm-up. No need to ask if he's a huge fan of The Great Escape.

Mum and dad sit their five grown-up sons down for a talk. Dad says: "Boys, your mother and I have something to tell you. I know it's not going to be easy to hear but, well, your mother and I were never married." The boys sit with their heads in their hands, not knowing how to react. After several minutes of silence, mum can't take it any longer. "Well," she said, "aren't you bastards going to say anything?"
HE'S SKIRTING THE ISSUE..

A SOLDIER approached a fork in the road and was confronted by a nun.

Out of breath, he asked: "Please, Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes? I'll explain everything later."

The nun agreed and, just a few moments later, two Military Policemen came running along and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun pointed to the west and said: "He went that way."

Once the MPs had disappeared, the soldier emerged from beneath her skirts and said: "I can't thank you enough, Sister. I had to hide because I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said: "That's quite okay, I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added: "By the way, Sister, I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but you've got a great pair of legs."

"Yes," replied the nun. "And if you'd looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b******s - I don't want to go to Iraq either.."
PICTURE OF THE WEEK...

LET'S hear it for reader Nancy Muir who, following last week's rant about mobiles, wants to know if I'd like to buy her easy-touse Nokia camera-phone.

Cheers, Nancy, just name your price. Meanwhile, Jim McCrum says his phone would be ideal for me as it only does calls and texts.

Unfortunately, as a fellow Luddite, he can't tell me what make it is.

Kevin Buchan reckons I should consult page 464 of the Argos catalogue where I'll find an idiot-proof mobile. And Mary O'Halloran reckons I should visit the Orange shop on Buchanan Street, Glasgow and ask for Big Barry, who'll find me the perfect phone. How does Mary know? Because she's Big Barry's mammy.

The shop may be Orange, but I bet Barry's face is now a deep shade of scarlet.
WHAT IF FOOTBALL TEAMS WERE WOMEN?

WHAT if football teams were women? That's the question I asked last week and three of the best answers came from Luton's Steve Kirwan.

Chelsea would be Anna Nicole Smith - grateful to their sugar daddy. Gretna would be Dolly Parton - small in stature with a great pair up front. Joan Collins would be Airdrie - they've been around a long time but you wouldn't want to go there...

And Karl Thomas, in Perth, says Dunfermline would be Charlie Dimmock - unfancied by most, but still a firm favourite with the older generation despite a clear lack of support for a number of years.
DARLING, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO ASK YOU

I RECEIVED a lovely email from Katrina McMahon of The Scottish Rockettes.

She wants to know if I'll be a celebrity judge when the girls audition new talent on June 4 - my first wedding anniversary.

So, a weekend away with my dearly beloved or a private audience with loads of 18-year-old cheerleaders?

Tell you what, Kat, I'll run it past my wife and get back to you...
PUFF CANDY

DON'T know what inspired this question, but I bet it provokes the response: "Jeez, it must be years ago."

Tell me, folks, when did you last have a bit of puff candy?
AH, THAT'S HER POINT

IT'S National BreastFeeding Awareness Week.

While we're on the subject, do you think this photo explains why Madonna recently described herself as "a crap mother"?
AND FINALLY...

WHAT about the latest 1966 documentary on Channel 4 last night: Who Stole The World Cup? That's easy. You don't need a Russian linesman to tell you it was England.

Taken from the Daily Record