POTTY NOODLE

STEVEN TWEED knows Japan like the back of his hand and swears Celtic are crazy to go there ahead of a trip to Tynecastle.

The former Hibs defender insists the only way the champions will limit the damage is to keep their clock on Glasgow time - and that will mean eating lunch at 9pm and staying awake until the middle of the night while coping with stifling heat and avoiding catching colds.

Gordon Strachan's men will open the season against Kilmarnock on July 29 before facing SPL runners-up Hearts in Edinburgh on Sunday, August 6.

In between those games, they will take on the gruelling 28,000-mile round trip to Shunsuke Nakamura's homeland to face Yokohama Marinos.

And Tweed reckons there's only one reason Celtic are tackling the marathon trek to Tokyo - money.

The stopper, who will play his last game for Yokohama this weekend before heading home to join Livingston, said: "It beggars belief that a team would take on such an arduous trip as this one in between weekend league matches. It is the original big ask for the players.

"There must be an awful lot of money on offer for the club to undertake that length of journey for a friendly match.

"The schedule is so punishing it's what I'd call the Slim-Fast diet plan.

"Celtic plan to arrive during the hottest part of the Japanese summer when they'll be soaked in sweat just walking from the door of their hotel to the team bus in a city famous for its smog.

"They'll rely on air conditioning like never before but that has been known to create problems because it can give players unseasonal colds.

"But the biggest killer of all is the time difference and that's why they have to take advantage of the fact their hotel will be upmarket and able to offer 24-hour kitchen service.

"Meals will have to be taken at British times and watches will need to remain on Glasgow time if the problems associated with jetlag are to be minimised.

"Celtic will be away for four days and two of those days will be taken up by flying through time zones.

"It isn't possible to fly direct from Glasgow to Tokyo, so the team will need to go via London and that's going to add even more uncomfortable hours to their inward and outward journeys. The flight to Japan is 11 hours and you can add on four hours for the trip to London and the hanging around there while you wait for your flight.

"I can't believe Gordon Strachan thinks it's an ideal situation and I know the season has just become much longer for the players in their minds.

"The game will be played at 8pm, which is midday in the players' heads, and that will be the easiest part of the entire trip.

"The players can't hope to be in the best condition for those 90 minutes but the match isn't the be-all-and-end-all of a trip that's clearly designed to cash in on Nakamura's popularity among his own people and that's just as well.

"BayernMunich and Barcelona are coming out here during summer but that won't be after their domestic season has started."

Last night Celtic had no plans to cancel their trip in spite of the release of the SPL fixture list which makes Edinburgh a dangerous place to go after Tokyo.

Setanta moved the game back to the Sunday as part of an initiative to accommodate as many people as possible during a season when television will be king in return for the completion of a contract worth £54.5million over the next four years.

All four Old Firm derbies will be shown live and a series of games on Friday and Monday nights will be added to the schedules when dates on the European calendar are known for the Glasgow clubs and Hearts.

Setanta match planner Colin Davidson said: "It's impossible to please all of the people all of the time when it comes to scheduling.

"But this time we've taken the decision to announce all of our live matches from the start of the season until the split next April so that no one can say they weren't given plenty of advance warning when it came to making their travel arrangements.

"We haven't gone beyond Christmas before in forward planning but this time there was no point in holding back.

"When season two of our deal comes round, we'll review the situation and see whether innovations such as Fridays and Mondays have worked to our satisfaction.

"The season will start with the Old Firm spread over consecutive days for the purposes of live coverage but we've done that for the past two years so there's nothing sinister there.

"Our extended contract with the SPL means a total of 60 live matches from the league championship, which, in turn, means there won't be a weekend throughout the season that doesn't have a Setanta game.

"Meanwhile, we'll spice up the coverage for our armchair viewers by going widescreen and high definition, which we'll have to be when Setanta moves into the Premiership a year from now."