THE OLD ONES ARE THE BEST

HANDS up if you still haven't been to the Scottish Football Museum at Hampden?? Shame on you!

I popped in for my third visit on Wednesday and I'd never had as much fun for a five since the time I spent a long weekend in Airdrie's red light district.

May I suggest a few mementoes you definitely shouldn't miss.

Scotland v England match ticket from the world's first football international in 1872.

The1888 unofficial World Championship trophy commemorating Renton's win over WBA.

Barry Ferguson's last SPL win bonus.

Wonder what they'll have on display 100 years from now.

Roman Romanov's suit? Alex McLeish's shoogly peg? ? Lord Mike Watson's cigarette lighter?

Send suggestions to the usual email address (the dafter the better) and I'll print the funniest answers

WILL THE REAL ROMAN ROMANOV STAND UP

LET'S start with a bit of transfer news.As you may have read yesterday, outspoken fashion gurus Trinny and Susannah have quit the BBC.

A quick glance at Tynecastle's latest recruit - 12-year-old Roman Romanov- and I'm sure we're all praying the girls have been signed up by Hearts.

Talk about WhatNotToWear? Looking like a part-time model from the Matalan Christmas catalogue, Romanwasunveiled as the club's new chairman and chief executive.

Although you can't help thinking the two presents he'd really have liked to receive from his dad were a chess set and the latest Harry Potter book.

I'm still struggling to decide who he most resembles.Initially I thought he looked uncannily like geeky Gareth from The Office.

Concentrating on that fantastic suit, however, I can't help casting my mind back to Rodney Trotter in the early episodes of Only Fools and Horses.

Then again, in terms of the overall look, do you think he's more like Damien from The Omen? Ask the Tynecastle club doctor to examine his scalp and you may just find the sign of the beast.

Which, in this case, probably means Albert Kidd's autograph.

Apart from the fact he once shared first prize in a silly names competition with Magnus Magnusson, we don't know an awful lot about Roman Romanov.

Although I'm willing to bet he once teamed up with his dad on school sports day to win the father and son sack race ...

Tobe fair, Hearts haven't axed anyone for about three days now - a club record under the current regime - so perhaps it's time to concentrate on matters on the park.

Sir Bobby Robson appears to have ruled himself out of the manager's job (who'd have been responsible for checking his front steps every morning for extra milk and newspapers?) and it looks as though he'll only be heading north if he's offered a cameo appearance in the next series of Still Game.

According to a text message I received yesterday from a Hibs fan, here's the current shortlist from Ladbrokes - 5-1 Romanov, 7-2 Romanov, 3-1 Romanov, 9-4 Romanov, Evens Romanov. All joking aside, though, it's the Hearts fans we should be feelingsorry for right now. Let's hope they at least get first option on any new flats built at Tynecastle.

Nah,come on,that's enough doom and gloom.Can I just remind everyone that Hearts - a club supposedly in crisis - are still joint-top of the SPL?

How can anyone say for certain that the entire club is about to implode?

I won't be throwing away my betting slip just yet, although I do expect a strong challenge from Celtic and Hibs. Can Rangers win the league? Well, let's put it this way - do you think Donald Findlay tuned into BBC2 on Wednesday night to watch Rome?

Tell you the worst thing about Rangers struggling in the SPLIt's an excuse for about 3000 people to send mewhat's arguably the oldest football joke in the world.

Have these people been in a coma for the best part of 50 years?

If only to put a stop to the emails, here's that hilarious gag in full. Alex McLeish was stopped doing 120mph on the M8 after the game last Saturday.

Asked why he was speeding, the Rangers boss replied: "I'll do anything right now for three points."

It was definitely a case of two Champions League points dropped in midweekand after that penalty-box audition for Strictly Come Dancing I think The Mullet is now looking at The Bullet Ronald Wattereus won't be too down in the dumps - thanks to the sudden appearance of Roman Romanov, the big manno longer boasts the worst hairdo in Scottish football - but Wednesday night's howler in Slovakia meanshe'll nowbe replaced by Stefan Klos for the Aberdeen match this afternoon.

Mind you, I did hear a rumour about Rangers making a move for young Falkirk goalie Darren Hill.

Unlike big Ronald on Tuesday night, he's apparently great at clearing his lines

AND FINALLY

They all reckon last Sunday at Tannadice was the first time the Celtic fans have chanted Gordon Strachan's name. However, I'm not so sure. I could swear I heard him getting a mention way back in July immediately after the 5-0 defeat in Bratislava

FLETCH FOR PETE - I'M LOVEN IT

JUST in time for Bonfire Night, a story that brings a whole new meaning to Penny for the Guy.

Hacked-off Manchester United fans have put Darren Fletcher on eBay for the princely sum of 1p.

This immediately sparked rumours of a straight swap deal involving Peter Lovenkrands.

The Old Trafford giants are certainly toiling these days (how long before they ask to join the SPL?) and,speaking in yesterday's paper,Ian St John reckons Sir Alex should have quit at the top.

I think that's exactly what you should have done Saint - imagine leaving Motherwell for Liverpool.

#What about a bravery award for the Dunfermline fan who exposed his dangly bits on the roof of the East End Park stand last week?

Can you imagine how sore it would have been if one of the Pars players had suddenly whacked his crown jewels with a shot at goal?

# Thanks to Scotland legend Alan Rough for updating the classic old line about "dancing in the streets of Raith".

How many times on his radio show last week did he talk about Rangers flying out to Artmedia?

# A firm believer in some wacky sort of Thai therapy, it's been revealed Hibs' Gary Caldwell has a magnetic mattress.

What a great way of luring women into bed.Well,the ones with braces on their teeth.

No prizes for guessing his favourite chat-up line:"Hi there, want to comeback to my place and see my North Pole


Taken from the Daily Record