TAM COWAN
29 October 2005

THIS WILL BORE YANKS OFF ME

TALK about financial suicide.I still can't believe Scotland will be playing a friendly next month on the same day as a full lower-league card.

Crazy,eh? I mean,who's going to go along to Hampden and watch that mob when Dumbarton are playing Forfar?

Tell you what else I don't like. This game against the USA on November12 kicks-off at 4pm to suit American television.

What exactly will that mean? Commercial breaks every five minutes?

Asone of my mates said the other night: "They'll probably end up playing four halves."

Hands up if you think he spends too much time listening to Charlie Nicholas?

That might explain why he asked if the match against the Americans is definitely just a friendly and not our first Euro 2008 qualifier

RESTRICTED VIEW? I'M SORRY I COULD STILL SEE THE PITCH

TODAY'S column was supposed to start with a bit of a rant and a reminder to everyone connected with Motherwell ...

Please make sure that's the last time we organise a party at our place for Celtic supporters, okay?

You see, five months after laying on the jelly and ice cream for the Bhoys' title celebrations (the rest, as they say, is misery) I was under the impression the Parkhead club had given the Motherwell fans a two-fingered salute by dishing out just 450 tickets for Wednesday's match.

A measly 450 tickets? For a stadium that boasts a 60,000 capacity? Come on, that's less than one per cent.

That sounded just a little bit rich,considering Motherwell season ticket-holders moved aside to accommodate all those expectant Celtic fans on May 22.

I was ready to remind everyone Parkhead is just a 15-minute drive down the M74 (even quicker if the road's been covered with lard I was going to point out that, due to the fact our traditional rivals Airdrie and Hamiltonno longer mix it with the big boys, it could be argued Celtic tussles are effectively our derby matches.

However, folks, there's no point bumping my gums about any of the above points.You see, after carrying out a little research (ie, getting my arse felt by my sports editor) it turns out Celtic offered Motherwell 1000 tickets andwe accepted only 450.

My thoughts now? I can only assume the Fir Park club didn't think many of us would be up for another match just four days after the humiliation of getting gubbed by Rangers.

My mate Liam managed to nab four of the briefs on Wednesday afternoon but I know several diehards who missed out thanks to the tiny allocation requested by Motherwell. Jammy b******s, eh?

Trust me, lads, you were much better off hiding behind the couch as the score flashes (all five of them) kept coming up on teletext.

I wish Motherwell hadn't taken any tickets for this pasting.

Shame on you, Mr Boyle!What a terrific opportunity to ease the suffering of 450 unfortunate souls.

To be honest, though, I still think Celtic deserve a bit of a roasting.You see, the four of us found ourselves in possession of the club's legendary "restricted view" tickets - a bargain at just £20 each. Aye right.

I'd usually complain about such a rip-off. However, after that 5-0 horsing, my only grumble is there were large areas of the pitch we could still see clearly.

A painful evening? Imagine how you'd feel if you watched Neil Lennon scoring a goal against your team?Thankfully the offside flag was raised but I understand Lenny's good pals at the SFA may still allow it to stand.

We also sat and watched as Sooky Nakamura scored with a terrific 25-yard free-kick.

Then we listened to Gordon Strachan's sigh of relief.Yes,at long last it looks as though the over-rated Japanese import is in the Celtic line-up for something other than marketing reasons.

As I said, though, what made Wednesday night's hammering all the more tortuous is it came hard on the heels of that embarrassing defeat at Ibrox.

Motherwell were magnificent at Ibrox for the first 28 seconds but then it all went horribly wrong.

Still, there's always someone worse off than yourself.

Rangers are closer to Falkirk than Hearts in the SPL and matchday MC Andy Cameron is arguably the only Gers fan who still thinks they can win the league.

Fans who aren't on the Ibrox payroll don't seem so confident.

And neither are the bookies, who rarely get it wrong. Rangers are 4-1 to retain the trophy - their biggest price for 20 years - and here's exactly what that means for all you non-gamblers.

If you walked into Ladbrokes this morning and bet £100 on Rangers to win the SPL title, you'd spend the rest of the season watching Scotsport in the TV lounge at Carstairs.

The struggling Ibrox side are currently fourth in the league (hands up all the brassed-off bluenoses who'd still relish a crack at the Premiership) but I can't help thinking George Foulkes is wrong to suggest the championship is now a two-horse race between Hearts and Celtic.

Come on, George, what about Hibs

ANDFINALLY

Forget Martin O'Neill, does anyone know if Du Wei is still getting paid by Celtic? I think we should be told

AND A BIG HIBEE HI AGAIN TO BOBBY

WELL DONE to the Hearts and Hibs fans who have organised a match between rival supporters to raise cash for the Sick Children's Hospital in Edinburgh. And, after kindly turning up at the photo shoot to help publicise this worthwhile event, what about a special word of praise for ex-Easter Road manager Bobby Williamson

CLAUDIO COULD BE ART LOVER

WHILE other pundits have changed their minds almost as often as they change their hair dye, I told you on day one of the season that Hearts would win the league and I see no reason to tear up my betting slip.

Just one small concern.Is Claudio Ranieri really a Jambo?

I can't help thinking he might bea closet Morton fan after watching him breeze into Edinburgh on Thursday in one of Arthur Montford's old sports jackets.

Tynecastle chief Vladimir Romanov spoke to Ranieri through an ear trumpet. Tynecastle chief Vladimir Romanov spoke to Ranieri through an ear trumpet.

I'm not suggesting the Bobster's getting ona bit but on the way out of Johnny Haynes' funeral I believe the undertaker turned to him and said: "Is it worth your while going home?"

Tell you what though,see if I wasa Jambo I wouldn't care who is selected to occupy the dug-out. Not when the team's playing excellent football and sitting top.

Nah, listen,even if they gave the job to Albert Kidd,my only concern would be the availability of open-top buses in Edinburgh next May.

And as for all this stuff about Romanov picking the team - as a Rangers fan said to me just the other night: "I wish he would pick our team as well."

PS:One other thought about Burleygate.If I left theRecord by mutual consent,do you think it would be known as Cowangate

Taken from the Daily Record