A to Z guide to a season of Russian roulette

Booted: David Fernandez had to take it on the chin when Gordon Chisholm’s flying shoe struck him in the face in August. The Dundee United manager aimed a kick at a water bottle only for his slip-on to slip off and injure Fernandez, seated nearby, to the point where the Spaniard required three stitches to a cut. Chisholm later got the boot himself.

Character: Brooks Mileson, or Miles Brookston as Tommy Burns referred to him during a Scottish Cup draw, is not your everyday millionaire football owner at Gretna. Famed for his Asda jeans, his ponytail and for his addiction to cigarettes it was more the roadie to Hampden than the road, but to his credit he showed having more money than sense can be a good thing.

Du Wei: Or No Wei, as he was to become once Strachan got a look at him in action in the dire Scottish Cup defeat at Clyde. After several months of apparently impressing in training, the Chinese international was hauled off at half-time and, erm, taken away. The number was up, too, on a proposed £500,000 transfer from Shanghai Shenhua. His other claim to fame was being mistaken for Shunsuke Nakamura in the Celtic programme. Imagine that: mistaking him for a footballer.

Eck: After years of getting it right at home and wrong in Europe, Alex McLeish finally showed there was more to him than that. So he got it right in Europe and wrong at home. At one stage, so preoccupied were Rangers with the Champions League’s last 16 that they almost tumbled into the Premierleague’s bottom six. McLeish came close to being dismissed midway through the season when called to a fireside chat at David Murray’s Perthshire retreat, but escaped the flames because Paul Le Guen was not prepared to start work until the weather improved. After studying Rangers extensively on video, Le Guen went for a 150-mile run, the Marathon des Sables in the Sahara desert, but still couldn’t work out why McLeish kept playing Hamed Namouchi.

Franny: They used to called him the Fox in the Box, but Rangers were soon in the hunt for another striker after Francis Jeffers misfired. Once bought for £8m by Arsène Wenger, he was of no value to Rangers during a loan spell from Charlton in which he never even looked like scoring. Another always on borrowed time was Jeremie Aliadiere at Celtic, who was hastily returned to Arsenal, presumably with model girlfriend Leilani Downing, below, in tow.

Gaffe: So much for German efficiency as Rainer Bonhof, the now departed Scotland under-21 manager, selected the suspended Steven Whittaker to face Italy. A 2-2 draw at Fir Park duly became a 3-0 defeat in the record books. Bonhof was absolved of blame with the SFA citing national teams administrator Richard Simpson. “Doh,” he said.

Hats: Every Friday on Scotland Today’s sports preview, Terry Butcher emerged with the latest from a hat collection rivalled only by the ladies at Ascot. One week the Motherwell boss would go street and opt for a Stussy cap, the next he would emerge looking like some Canadian mountie. Now heading to Sydney FC, the only hat he will be wearing is one with corks on. From used red wine bottles, obviously.

Injury: Rab Douglas was forced out of a Scotland squad after damaging ankle ligaments falling down the stairs at home. Well, a stair, to be precise. His tumble was only from the bottom step, but then he never did reach great heights for his country. “I don’t think it was just an excuse,” said Walter Smith, the Scotland manager, “because he could have thought of a better one.”

Jinky: Jimmy Johnstone’s death from motor neurone disease on March 13 prompted wide tributes to the Lisbon Lions winger. Bishop Joseph Devine, who led the funeral in Uddingston, joked that the player made more use of the confessional box than any other he had known. Johnstone had such footballing talent, however, that he could be forgiven for anything.

Keano: After an MUTV interview so explosive he was bombed out of Old Trafford, Roy Keane thought long and hard about where to head next. Spain or Italy said his head, but he followed his heart. It had to be Celtic. “Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for,” pondered Keane as he played ringmaster to an inevitable media circus. One brave questioner cast doubt on how long he had left as a player. “I’m 34, not 94,” he retorted, but the question is still being asked whether he will stay beyond this summer.

Lambert: Final proof for the ‘nice guys come last’ theory. Paul Lambert could never bring himself to say a bad word about the players who only won two league matches for him and exited the Scottish Cup to Alloa. His replacement, John Robertson, has not found the same problem. Livingston’s final points tally of 18 confirmed them as the Premierleague’s worst ever. Lambert only ever had nice things to say about his bosses Pearse Flynn and Vivien Kyles, too. “Lovely people,” he beamed as they ushered him towards the exit. Lambert is the type that if you knifed him in the back, he would wash and return the blade. Never cut out for management.

Meeting of minds: Vladimir Romanov granted Claudio Ranieri an interview with a view to filling the managerial vacancy at Hearts. At Chelsea, Ranieri called himself the Tinkerman. Then he met Romanov. He now calls himself Claudio again.

Neighbours: As if playing for Hearts wasn’t enough of a soap opera for Paul Hartley, he demonstrated that good neighbours can become good friends as details of “secret trysts” with fellow Hamilton resident “curvy” Tracy Coghill emerged. Sample detail from a tabloid newspaper: “The laughing lovely appeared to jiggle her boobs at him through her skimpy black top.”

Overhyped: The all-Edinburgh Scottish Cup semi-final should have been the game of the season, but turned out to be the mismatch.

In the non-event, several thousand supporters didn’t even show and the Hibs players didn’t turn up either, easily beaten 4-0 by Hearts.

Pioneer: He never looked likely to emerge as Scotland’s most cosmopolitan footballer, but Garry O’Connor broke new ground by heading from Hibs to Lokomotiv Moscow for £1.6m and £16,000 a week. His partner, Lisa, was certainly willing to adapt to her new culture. A blonde when the transfer was announced, she was a brunette on arrival. At least we think it was the same woman. Nothing is too much trouble for these Russians when it comes to helping foreigners settle.

Quote: A Christmas message aimed at agents, journalists and the like in the Hearts programme from Vladimir Romanov, pictured on a beach with his trousers rolled up and possibly suffering from sunstroke: “There are also those who seek to ruin all that is good about the game, but it is the Devil that is driving them forward and they are not going to stop. All that will remain for me is to step aside and bid them farewell on their road to Hell.”

Reversing: The Spartans bus driver for the non-league club’s Scottish Cup replay at St Mirren made a bad start by missing the exit for Paisley. When he did eventually arrive at Love Street, he clipped a car when reversing towards the entrance. Strictly non-league control of a vehicle.

Supersub: Ivan Sproule had 20 friends in the Ibrox stands who were fellow Rangers supporters, but it didn’t stop him claiming an August hat-trick as a substitute for Hibs. He counted 41 abusive text messages in the aftermath. Alex McLeish dismissed his old club’s performance as “smash and grab”, but Hibs stole away with the same 3-0 scoreline in the Scottish Cup. It was McLeish’s team who were the repeat offenders. “If you’re sick of all the lies, clap your hands,” chanted some Rangers fans at David Murray in protest outside the ground afterwards. It was arguably the biggest round of applause heard at Ibrox all season.

Transfer: McLeish will always point to Jean Alain Boumsong as his best Rangers bargain, signed for nothing and sold to Newcastle for a now bewildering £8m, but in terms of a legacy to the club, it would have to be Kris Boyd, above, from Kilmarnock. A fully functioning goal machine, one careful owner, cheap at £400,000. The last price put on him was a reported £5.5m from Dynamo Kiev.

United in hate: Sectarianism and Scottish football have long been bedfellows, but it always becomes an issue when outsiders notice they are still sleeping together. The Rangers songbook was analysed at Uefa level and they will follow closely the Ibrox club’s continued efforts to moderate the lyrics. The two Edinburgh clubs also exchanged offensive songs. “Oh, the Hibees are gay,” chirped the Hearts fans. “Oh, Paul Hartley is gay,” came the eventual Leith riposte. Tracy Coghill couldn’t believe it.

Vladimir: Notwithstanding the pointless sacking of George Burley, the surreal appointment of Graham Rix, and the eventual fudge that was Valdas Ivanauskas seemingly doing whatever he was told from above, Romanov has changed Scottish football for the better by transforming Hearts. Yet, there is madness to his methods and often an alarming hypocrisy. “My driver in Lithuania could have done better than Rix,” Romanov scoffed, overlooking that only he thought the convicted sex offender should have been appointed. Splitting the Old Firm seemed tougher than the atom, but Hearts and Romanov did it despite themselves and the Champions League awaits.

Wig: The latest Tynecastle fashion accessory is an Elvis wig, worn by fans at the Scottish Cup final in tribute to the club’s captain, Steven Pressley, who kept his head while, courtesy of Romanov, his club’s managers were losing theirs. Rumours of a ‘buy one wig, get one free’ offer so that supporters could also look like Robbie Neilson were unconfirmed.

X-rated: When Jean Francois Lecsinel, a French defender, initially went AWOL upon arriving at Falkirk, the manager, John Hughes, was so determined not to lose him again he considered offering the 19-year-old a spare room in his own house. Then thought better of it. “When I said to my wife he was a tall, smooth-talking young Frenchman, there was a twinkle in her eye, so we’ll maybe find him digs,” said Hughes. Yob culture: One chorus of “Rudi Skacel is a f****** refugee” with celebrating Hibs fans and Derek Riordan had to apologise to Hearts’ midfielder from the Czech Republic, presumably admitting that he should have called him a f****** diver instead.

Zurawski: Dunfermline 1, Celtic 8. Maciej Zurawski banged in four goals at East End Park in February, but Neil Lennon claimed the headlines for managing just one and labelling it “a JFK moment”. It was his first goal since 2001 and came in exactly the year Martin O’Neill, his previous manager, had pencilled it in for. Scoring off the field however, was a different matter for Lennon. Altogether more prolific.

Taken from timesonline.co.uk