I HATED THE HASSLE OF BEING DAVID HASSELHOFF

GRETNA star Mark Birch reckons working as a lifeguard was more daily hassle than David Hasselhoff.

As for grafting on the roads, he knew he was digging a hole for his football career as deep as the ditches into which he would lay pipes for his local water board.

But beggars can't always be choosers.

Even the heart of the most bitter SPL cynics would soften if they listened to 29-year-old full-back Birch recall the sacrifices he has made on his way from Stoke-on-Trent to the Scottish border town.

The history books will recall that Gretna began their route to this year's Scottish Cup Final with a 6-2 win over Preston Athletic in the first round last November.

But for players such as Birch, for whom the journeyman tag was invented, the passage to face Hearts began years ago and far from the floodlit glare of public recognition that will greet his work this week.

It has been a long trip through blind alleys of broken dreams, dead-end jobs and dark valleys of despair where games such as the Cup Final, in front of 50,000 fans at Hampden, could never dared to have been imagined.

Has it all been worth it?

You bet it has - every minute of boredom, back-breaking toil, 5am starts and midnight finishes.

He said: "I started my career at Stoke, my hometown team, and never got one game for the first team.

"I fell through the cracks at the club, partly as a result of the lack of stability when I was trying to break through from YTS. Lou Macari was manager twice, Joe Jordan came on board, Asa Hartford was there for six months and Chris Kamara for less time than that.

"Still, I took it all for granted because my mates and family were all on hand and I was playing for the club I had supported as a lad.

"Suddenly, I was released and learned that not only does having to work for a living give you a boot up the backside, it takes real dedication to make it as a full-time pro.

"After Stoke, I moved to Northwich Victoria in the Conference League and combined a job in football with a career outside the game.

"The worst job was lifeguard in a local leisure centre - forget the idea it was anything like Baywatch.

"Sitting in a chair for three hours or walking around a pool at 6am while old folk take an early-morning swim is hardly the most invigorating career.

"In fact, if I'd arrived home from an away game at midnight the night before it was difficult not to fall asleep in the chair as the temperature made you so drowsy.

"I also worked digging roads around Birmingham with my father-in-law and that also meant a 5am start.

"We were on a contract from the water board and I was part of a team that had grafted on the roads for years and I really respected the effort they put into a very demanding shift.

"However, it affected my football because I had to dig roads until 5pm then go and train twice a week or play midweek matches when I was already physically tired.

"But I did it all because I was still so keen to get into full-time football again and had faith in my ability."

Carlisle paid the princely sum of £10,000 to land Birch from Northwich five years ago and offer him a return to the big leagues.

He was approached by Gretna in the summer of 2004, not long after Brooks Mileson had embarked on his plans to make his new outfit the best run community club in the country.

Birch is especially keen to run out at Hampden after being suspended for an LDV Vans Final with Carlisle three years ago at the Millennium Stadium.

He recalled: "I had been sent off in a relegation battle against Cambridge two weeks previously for lunging at my opponent. It was harsh - he made the same tackle but managed to get there a second earlier.

"We lost 2-0 against Bristol City in front of 50,000 fans and watching from the stands was the worst experience of my life.

"The club appealed my dismissal so I was involved in the build-up with the lads but I knew deep down it wouldn't be upheld and had to put on a brave face as they were laughing and joking and trying on their final suits.

"I never thought I would get the opportunity to play in a game of that importance again because there are guys who play 700 games in the lower leagues and never get near a final.

"It's a marvellous prospect to play Hearts and I've even got over 60 friends and relatives coming up from Stoke to cheer me on.

"I've been interviewed on the local radio and everyone back home wants to know what's happening.

"I've had to send down scarves and flags and my nephews are causing a stir at football practice. Their pals wear Real Madrid, Man United, Arsenal and Liverpool shirts but their Gretna kit has caught the eye recently."

Birch, a virtual ever-present in his two seasons at Raydale Park, knew nothing about the club he has come to love when first approached.

He said: "Carlisle didn't have any ambition at that time but Gretna were clearly going places.

"I spoke to the manager and Brooks and was struck by their ambition to build a winning team that would one day play in the SPL in a new stadium.

"They never said they'd challenge Rangers and Celtic for the title and their plans, although ambitious, were sensible, not too far-fetched.

"They laid out achievable targets and we've made great strides in the last two years, winning consecutive titles, reaching the Scottish Cup Final and qualifying for Europe.

"I knew I wanted to jump on their train and see where the journey took me. It has been a great trip so far - and hopefully we've still got further to go."

Taken from the Daily Record