Expect a Spanish inquisition

Tom Shields' Sport Diary

THE Monty Python Life of Brian refrain of “what did they ever do for us” has surfaced in Hearts of Lithuania fans’ discussion of Vladimir Romanov’s stewardship of the club.

Vlad is, of course, pure mental. It takes a genius to sack Graham Rix for the January transfer window purchase of players who were actually signed by Vlad himself.

But Hearts fans, it appears, are generally not unhappy with the departure of Mr Rix whose short tenure saw the club decline from league leaders to nervous hopefuls for second place.

The gist of the Pythonesque analysis of Vlad’s regime at Hearts is: “So apart from saving Tynecastle from destruction, what have the Romanovs ever done for Hearts?

“And apart from getting us to the top of the league what have the Romanovs ever done for Hearts?

“Apart from giving us the strongest Hearts squad in living memory, what have the Romanovs ever done for us?”

The Romanov dynasty is certainly not dull and we suspect that the Jambos’ fans might just miss dictator Vlad when he and his money have gone.

elope to hampden

On a similar note, you will probably not hear Gretna fans questioning the contribution of their benefactor, Brooks Mileson.

There may well be some recalcitrant Gretna casual who asks: “OK, apart from taking us out of the Carlisle regional second division and into the Tennent’s Scottish Cup semi-final, what has Brooks ever done for Gretna?”

There will surely be no such cry at Hampden on Saturday. In fact, there may not be much noise at all. Gretna appear to have a bedrock support of about 800 fans who will fit into a small corner of the national stadium.

It is therefore incumbent upon neutral fans to turn up and support Gretna. I can say this wholeheartedly since the opposition is Dundee FC who defeated Hamilton Accies in the quarter-finals through myopia.

In other words the ref did not spot the hand-ball as Steven Craig scored the winning goal.

I should say at this point that I am biased. I am a Hamilton Accies fan (I only pretend to follow Celtic to hide my true allegiance) and I am not at all pleased that the boys in red did not get their rightful place at Hampden.

I would be at Hampden on Saturday to support the Gretna miracle. Unfortunately, I have to be in Barcelona to watch Barca’s home game against Real Madrid.

Honestly, I would rather be in Glasgow supporting Gretna but life is not always fair.

just not cricket

Gordon Strachan brings both fun and erudition to the Scottish football scene. After the relatively uneventful CIS Cup final the media were trying to make a mountain out of a piece of verbal between Neil Lennon and Dunfermline players.

Dunfermline midfielder Greg Ross had said to Lennon, who had gone down after a tackle: “Get up, you fat b*****d.” Lennon is understood to have responded: “Rich fat b*****d, if you don’t mind.” Ross’ colleague Greg Shields took public umbrage at Lennon’s boasting of his wealth.

Strachan identified the phenomenon of verbal tennis in football as akin to the practice of sledging in cricket.

Sledging is the ancient art of distracting your opponent by dint of sly and infuriating comment, as perfected by Australian wicketkeepers. As Rod Marsh once said to Ian Botham: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”

The most celebrated example of sledging is the exchange between Glenn McGrath of Australia and Zimbabwe’s Eddo Brandes.

After Brandes had played at and missed a McGrath delivery, the Australian asked: “Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?” To which Brandes replied: “Because every time I have sex with your wife she gives me a biscuit.”

There is no great repository of sledging wit on the football pitch. The fans more than make up for this by their contributions.

There is a story about footballer Pat Nevin who was also the author of a thoughtful book In Ma Head, Son – The Footballer’s Mind Revealed.

The publication of the book coincided with Nevin’s return from fame and fortune down south to play for Kilmarnock.

On one of his excursions down the wing, Nevin got himself in a fankle and lost the ball. A spectator, standing only a few yards away, loudly informed him: “Nevin, you’re shite. And so is your book.”

Taken from the Sunday Herald