Heart of Midlothian v Tottenham Hotspur - as it happened

The hosts Hearts will certainly be up for it, in their highest-profile European gig since facing Bayern Munich in the 1989 Uefa Cup quarter-finals: Kello, Hamill, Zaliukas, Webster, Grainger, Templeton, Stevenson, Mrowiec, Black, Driver, Sutton.
Subs: MacDonald, Jonsson, Elliott, Obua, McGowan, Novikovas, Skacel.

And seeing I've got down to business pretty much from the off, here's the name of the man in the middle (and you get the country he's from for free): Paolo Tagliavento (Italy).

Kick off: 7.45pm.

While we're waiting... Hearts don't get on the MBM too often, so any old excuse to put one of the great football clips up. Here's Tommy Murray "having a seat on the ball" as Hearts gadded about like Ajax against Rangers in 1972:

What's particularly lovely is the deadpan delivery of STV legend Arthur Montford, who announces the news as though it happens every other minute. Imagine if that happened today! Imagine if that clown Peter Drury was behind the mike! He'd burst into flames before accidentally launching himself into space, the controls set for the heart of the sun. [Note to any footballer due to play in match soon to be transmitted by Independent Television: please have a seat on the ball]

The teams are out, and there's a superb atmosphere at Tynecastle. Both teams are in their first-choice colours, as you'd expect: Hearts in maroon, Spurs in white. The fans are giving it plenty, though nobody's under any illusion that this will be an easy tie for the Jambos. "Due to the fact my wife is massively pregnant, I can't be at Tynie for tonight's match," sobs an expectant Mark O'Neil. "Can't say I'm looking forward to the inevitable bloody carnage and howls of pain, but at least the birth should be a bit better."

And we're off! Spurs get the ball rolling, and are met with a cacophony of abuse for their trouble. The boos keep rolling down from the stands, until after about 45 seconds Bale nearly breaks clear down the left, and there's a collective intake of breath. Webster is across to belt the ball into the stand, and the noise is turned up once more.

2 min: Harry Redknapp is sitting on some stone steps by the side of the dugout, leading up to the stand. A Uefa official comes over to tell him to get out of the bloody way. He looks a bit piqued, but budges anyway. As touchline brouhahas go, Mourinhoesque this was not.

5 min: GOAL! Heart of Midlothian 0-1 Tottenham Hotspur. Defoe and Van der Vaart attempt a one-two on the edge of the area. It's not very good, and should be cleared. Zaliukas takes a fresh-air swipe, then hammers the ball straight at Webster, sending it rebounding off his team-mate and towards Van der Vaart, who's suddenly clear in the area. He slots the ball past Kello, and Spurs already have an away goal. That was risible defending by Hearts.

8 min: Apart from when they're clanking it off each other on the edge of their own area, Hearts aren't seeing much of the ball. The crowd's early noise has subsided, too, as you'd expect after that early blow. Spurs look extremely comfortable. "Comedians in Edinburgh," notes Bill Chilton. "And there's a festival on too. Boom."

10 min: A long ball down the inside-left channel nearly reaches Bale on the edge of the area. Kello is out well to claim. Then he drops the ball, nearly gifting it to Bale. Luckily for the keeper, Bale wasn't concentrating, presumably assuming the keeper's gloves were filled with hands rather than melted butter. Kello quickly recovers, grabs the ball, and composes himself. Seconds later, Mrowiec and Zaliukas are struggling to find each other with six-yard passes. Hearts really need to simmer down here; they're looking extremely nervous.

12 min: Hearts finally get into the Spurs final third, Sutton taking a whack from the edge of the area. It flies out for a corner on the right, but only just.

13 min: GOAL! Heart of Midlothian 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur. This was as easy as you like. Lennon ambles in from the left wing. He may as well have a fag on. He exchanges passes with Van der Vaart, then slips a pass straight into the middle of the box for Defoe, who takes one touch left and hammers a shot into the bottom left corner. The centre of the Hearts defence is a miserable disgrace.

15 min: "Are you West Ham in disguise?" quip the travelling support, who are on at the Gilded Balloon later for a ten-minute slot during Late 'n' Live.

17 min: Bale is causing a lot of bother down the left. He hammers a low cross-cum-shot through the area from a tight angle; if Van der Vaart or Defoe were on the front foot, a tap-in was on. The home defence is in all sorts of panic. "Sitting on the ball nowadays would require special pants (or 'shorts' to use the technical term) to prevent any overpaid, over insured show-pony from slipping off the rubber, monkey-gland-coated teflon resin surface that they use these days, and which is the reason the balls are really hard at getting over defensive walls or the bloke at the near post," explains Ian Copestake.

19 min: This is all Spurs, embarrassingly so. Hearts can't put more than one pass in a row together.

20 min: There are eight maroon shirts just outside the Hearts area. Even so, Van der Vaart and Defoe are afforded time to faff and fanny about, the former eventually clipping the ball wide to Bale, who in acres elects to go for the spectacular rather than look for one of three team-mates in the middle. The ball wheechs miles over the bar; a very poor decision. Even so, the big news here is that Hearts really need to raise their game. Half of them were just standing around here.

22 min: A determined run by Templeton down the left wins a corner for Hearts. The noise levels rise. And quickly drop as a corner worked to the far post is met with a directionless header by Webster. But it's something.

25 min: Another sortie down the Spurs end for Hearts, Stevenson's cross from the left nearly finding Sutton at the far post. It's something, but it's not much. "Swerving the usual stereotype of Spurs early season optimism, we've looked pretty good tonight," writes Guy Hornsby. "Two goals in 13 minutes? At least we're putting it in the net, even if Hearts have been utterly asleep at the back. No doubt we'll get battered by Manchester United on Monday now. The blame starts here."

28 min: WILL HEARTS EVER LEARN? THIS IS PATHETIC. Heart of Midlothian 0-3 Tottenham Hotspur. For the third time in 28 minutes, Hearts allow Spurs to meander through the centre of their defence. With the ball at his feet 30 yards out, Van der Vaart is given two and a half minutes to decide what to do. He eventually opts to roll the ball to Livermore, who exchanges passes with Defoe, breaks into the centre of the box - are you spotting a pattern? - and slots the ball home.

31 min: This isn't remotely entertaining any more, just embarrassing. Spurs are just coming at Hearts again and again, and little resistance is being shown. Lennon skins Grainger down the right and whips a cross to the back post. Defoe twists in the air and high-kicks a volley goalwards, sending the crossbar twanging like a string on Peter Hook's bass. The play's pulled up for an offside - it's marginal at best - and the home fans cheer ironically.

35 min: Hearts still can't put two passes together.

37 min: This is a bit better: Stevenson drifts in from the right and sends a rising shot just over the bar. If nothing else, that lifted the crowd a wee bit, who are understandably very quiet at the moment.

41 min: Livermore nearly releases Defoe through the centre with a ball rolled straight down the middle. Well, why not, it's worked three times already. This time Zaliukas is wise to this wily scheme, and sticks a boot out to intercept. But that was so nearly a chance for the fourth. "Glad to see Spurs learned something from Motherwell's dismantling of Hearts a couple of weeks ago," writes Ewan Benson. "Granted we only scored once, but seeing as we probably spend one million quid a day less on salaries, we didn't do too badly."

44 min: Templeton nearly breaks into the box down the left, chasing a low fizzing ball down that channel, but Walker is over to bustle him out of the way. This is men against boys at the moment. "What happened to the aesthetically pleasing Spurs' kit from last year?" wonders Bill Chilton. "This new top looks like it could be worn with jeans and trainers at the local vodka and vomitarium. Oh." Hibs are wearing a very similar number to Tottenham's shirt from last season, Bill, you could get one of those. I miss Hearts' inverse-Ajax number from last year.

HALF TIME: Heart of Midlothian 0-3 Tottenham Hotspur. The home side trudge off. Spurs sort of float. The Hearts support rise to applaud both teams off the pitch, in a mixture of sympathy and generosity.

Half-time psychologist's chair: "As a Spurs fan, I'm feeling concerned," worries Eliot Crowe. "With Hearts playing the way they are, I can't see how we're going to able to concede four goals in the second half. A straightforward win so early in the season could derail our whole campaign."

And we're off again! No changes to either team. Hopefully Hearts have had the mother of all bollockings, and will put in a bit more of a shift this time round. "This was always on the cards," sighs Mark O'Neil. "Van de Vaart alone cost about the same as our entire yearly turnover. Spurs will comfortably beat far better teams than us as well. That said, basic errors, sitting off them and allowing them to play and having a hole the size of the Tram funding gap in the centre of defence don't make it any easier."

47 min: And it's an immediate improvement from Hearts, Templeton winning a corner down the left. Zaliukas nearly gets his head to the ball at the near post, but Spurs scramble the ball behind. From the second, there's a scramble in the six-yard area, Zaliukas nearly ramming home, Dawson hacking clear. Nothing comes of the third corner - or not immediately anyway, the ball eventually falling to Driver down the right. He drops a shoulder and heads for the byline, but his low cross towards Stevenson doesn't find its target. That's much, much better. Hearts have shown more in the first 90 seconds of the half than they did in the entire first 45 minutes.

49 min: Gomes looks shaky under a high free kick from Driver. He tips the ball over the bar. It's not another corner, though, because Webster clatters into him like a galoot, and the referee blows up for a free kick. Better from Hearts.

51 min: Kaboul is booked for going in studs up on Black. That could easily have been a red, if the referee was in the mood, but a yellow it is. A yellow is probably the right decision, Kaboul's boots weren't high off the ground at all, and he got ball before man.

53 min: Templeton nearly nicks in down the inside-left channel, and with a panicked Gomes racing off his line, Kaboul is forced to hack clear. Hearts are at least now stretching Spurs a wee bit, making them think and causing them some concern. "The Hearts fans applauded the players off the pitch at half time, even though their team is losing 3-0?" splutters Robin Hazlehurst. "Pshach, that is so 1980s, haven't they been watching the Best League in the World? Don't they know that real fans only boo at half time if their team is behind, or even if it is not?"

56 min: Hearts are pressing a lot more, right across the pitch. I still can't believe how dozy and docile they were in the first half. Tottenham's passing doesn't look as crisp as it was. How much is down to the new Hearts attitude, or Spurs having the cigar on, is a moot point.

58 min: A blistering run from Templeton down the inside-left channel, a proper old-fashioned ball-glued-to-laces dribble. He beats two men and makes it into the box, but just as he looks to open up and take a lash at goal, Walker runs around him from the right and steals away with the ball. A brilliant interception. Fancy football all round.

61 min: Van der Vaart off, Huddlestone on. And the big man is so nearly on the scoresheet, bombing down the inside-right channel and launching a powerful rising shot from the edge of the area. The ball twangs the crossbar and flies behind. Huddlestone claims Kello got a touch. If so, that's a magnificent save. The keeper may well have intervened there, actually, because he's ostentatiously ignoring everyone as he prepares to take the goal kick that follows instead of a corner. "Who knew things like tackling and trying harder would make a difference?" writes Mark O'Neil, who possibly typed that out using his eyebrow, arching up and down as it surely was.

64 min: SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT EFFORT, THEN. Heart of Midlothian 0-4 Tottenham Hotspur. Bale cuts inside from the left, across the front of the area. He should take a whack at goal, but tries to buy too much time and is eventually crowded out. No matter. Less than 30 seconds later, Huddlestone's clipping a looped ball down the inside-left channel. Bale springs the offside trap, rounds the advancing Kello on the outside, and pops the ball into the empty net.

65 min: Hearts exchange Driver for Elliott.

68 min: Spurs are stroking it around again. Suddenly this has the air of a pre-season match, which for Spurs it sort of is.

70 min: Bale is replaced with Andros Townsend.

73 min: Stevenson has a pop from the edge of the area, but all the pace is immediately taken out of the ball by a deflection, and Gomes performs a fancy dive to fill in some time while the ball trundles towards him. "Is there a second leg," asks Gary Naylor, "and if so, why?"

74 min: Sutton is replaced by Skacel.

76 min: A decent run by Townsend down the left, followed by a stinging cross to the back post. Defoe tries to get on the end of it, but the ball's turned out for a corner. Spurs are up to speed for the new Premier League season in one respect: the corner they put in is bloody useless. "The Centre of the Hearts Defence is a Miserable Disgrace (13 mins) would probably be the greatest Leonard Cohen song ever to-be-written," opines Matt Cahill. Failing that, a Morrissey b-side?

78 min: GOAL. Heart of Midlothian 0-5 Tottenham Hotspur. From the centre circle, Livermore slides the ball down the inside-left channel - through a mile-wide gap between Zalivkas and Webster - for Defoe, who whips a low cross back into the centre for Lennon. He hammers the ball home. Altogether now: (croons) The Centre of the Hearts Defence Is...

80 min: That cross was Defoe's last act of the evening. He trots off as Pavlyuchenko comes on.

82 min: Obua replaces Mrowiec. "In the 80s a Hibs mate of mine lived in the flats in Gorgie Rd which overlooked Tynecastle," writes Ian Burch. "We often saw the players training on the pitch. A few years later he moved over the road from Powderhall dogtrack. It was just the same as Tynecastle with no footballs in sight and just a lot of endless lapping of the track."

84 min: Townsend nabs the ball off Black in the middle of the Hearts half and has a dig from distance. It's not particularly good, dragged well wide right, but why not, eh?

86 min: Templeton and Grainger are both booked for exactly the same incident, the former bowling Walker to the ground, the latter hoofing the ball away in a hot fit of pique. At least it's a different sort of farce.

88 min: Ssh, it's very quiet. "Spurs Break Hearts could be Bon Jovi b-side," suggests Carl Smith.

89 min: Stevenson has a skelp from 30 yards. It's not a bad effort, low and fizzing only just wide right of the post, but Gomes always had that covered. "If I were to advise Harry Redknapp I would tell him to keep his team in the changing room when the second leg is due to start," writes Andrew Gerrard. "Uefa will award the tie 3-0 to Hearts who will gain a respectable looking aggregate scoreline. Spurs will have avoided the risk of any of their youth players getting injured. A win/win for everyone! (Except the paying fans but who gives a monkeys about them?)"

90 min: There will be three more minutes of this.

FULL TIME: Heart of Midlothian 0-5 Tottenham Hotspur. Not much more to say about that. A very sprightly performance by Spurs, but Hearts were beyond dismal in the opening period, and not a great deal better in the second. The home side trudge off in despair, while Tottenham go into the Edinburgh night, all set to take advantage of the fact they've no game until Monday by taking in a few shows at the world's greatest arts and cultural fest... er... scrub that. The last word to Alexander Sharkey, regarding the caption to the picture of Dave Mackay on this report: "There has definitely been a rip in the space-time continuum, because there's no way Spurs can go in at half-time leading 0-3 without spunking it in the second half and losing 4-3."

Taken from the Guardian/Observer