Would Valdas please come to the diary room

JAMES PORTEOUS and JAMES MORGAN May 22 2006

This ain't the week that ain't

DEE-AY WUN . . .

IN the Big Gaffa house, wacky Vladimir Romanov, tired off hiring and firing managers with the regularity and relish of Alan Sugar on speed, decides to let the public do his dirty work for him, and make a bit more cash for the coffers of Ukio Bankas in the process.

Fourteen wannabe gaffers, carefully screened by a team of psychologists to ensure every one has deep-seated issues, have won the chance for 15 minutes of fame (longer than most Hearts managers last) if they can survive 10 weeks in the Big Gaffa submarine moored in the Firth of Forth.

There's José, a moody Latin lover, Arsène, the self-styled French professor, Eck and Chesney, both afflicted with red hair, plus various

bi-polars, schizophrenics, a bearded lady, a porn star, Siamese twins and other unfortunates for the viewing public to goggle at, boosting their self-esteem just enough so that they feel worthy of splashing out on a half-price sofa at DFS, or of finally treating themselves to that unsecured loan. Oh, Valdas Ivanauskas is in there too.

DEE-AY TWA . . .

José is evicted immediately, his insistence that other submarine-mates call him "The Special One" at all times prompting the viewing public to press their maroon buttons. Ivanauskas sits on the sofa, silent and motionless.

Scottish television apologise after mistaking members of the public for experts and featuring them on television. "It has come to our attention that the majority of staff on Scotsport SPL were merely being given a tour of our Glasgow office on a Job Centre initiative when a mix-up saw them hired for our flagship football programme. Unfortunately, they are on unbreakable 10-year contracts."

DEE-AY THREE . . .

Eck and Chesney are voted off after arguing for the entire three days about who's bigger chums with a mysterious figure they refer to only as Sir Alex. Ivanauskas sits on the sofa, silent and motionless.

Another blow for England after teenage sensation Theo Walcott (Arsenal games: 0, goals: 0) fractures a metatarsal. Sven wastes no time, calling up young star Joey. "He may only be eight years old, but if they're good enough they're old enough," says the Swede. "Yes, it's a gamble, but he can give us the element of surprise."

DEE-AY FOWA . . .

Arsène is voted off after an unsavoury incident with a wine bottle. The winner of the 'golden ticket' – an invite to the house hidden in 100 pies at football grounds – is revealed as Preston gaffer Billy Davies. Ivanauskas sits on the sofa, silent and motionless.

DEE-AY FIVE . . .

Cops storm the Big Gaffa sub after some of the more unbalanced inmates go on the rampage, killing three of their housemates before being dropped by Lothian police's finest in a bloody shootout, leading to Channel 4's biggest ever viewing figures. Ivanauskas sits on the sofa, silent and motionless.

DEE-AY SIX . . .

More controversy on Big Gaffa, as doctors enter the sub and reveal that Valdas Ivanauskas has been dead since the show started. "Mr Ivanauskas suffered a massive coronary upon entry, and rigor mortis soon set in," says a medic. "Unfortunately, it seems nobody noticed the difference."

DEE-AY 73 . . .

Billy Davies, the sole remaining submate, is finally released from his confinement, striking a haunted figure after having survived on scraps and without power for the last 10 weeks. Vladimir Romanov, who got bored of the project after a week and hired Gianluca Vialli, takes the blame, admitting he forgot all about the sub, and makes amends by inviting him for

a trip to Kaunas to watch Scotland v Lithuania.