Boys in maroon move on again as Rix flits

THE talk o'the toon are the boys in maroon. Again. If the toon talks much more about them this season we'll need to recruit more doctors to cope with all the cases of laryngitis.

Now that the dust has settled a little, the Hearts fans are ready to move on under Valdas Ivanauskas. In fact, a few Jambo mates of mine are contemplating starting their own removal firm after becoming experts in moving on over the last year. Of course, they are only able to specialise in carting emotional baggage.

In all seriousness, I don't see any of them "reeling" [except on a Saturday night] or consumed by "outrage" at the sacking of Graham Rix. In fact most are extremely composed, like most of the Hearts support since the news broke.

Granted, many were surprised by Rix's removal. Not because they especially wanted him to stay, more because it was widely expected that he would remain in place until the summer before being forced to stare down the barrel of Vladimir Romanov's gun.

But Mr Trigger Happy couldn't resist the temptation. And what a round he fired.

Romanov bombed both Rix and Jim Duffy inside an hour on Wednesday morning, which really is a ridiculous way to carry on. Anyone would think he owned the place.

The Lithuanian clearly believes that the day will come [soon] when we will approach God to ask if we can speak to Vladimir Romanov.

In fact Richy, a Hearts-supporting mate, informed me he had a dream along similar lines the other night. And no, it didn't involve the female who was interpreting for Ivanauskas during interviews on Friday.

In the dream, Richy was in his seat in the Wheatfield Stand beside his old man. As the teams emerged and prepared for kick-off, a strange figure appeared in the directors' box in the main stand opposite. He was dressed all in white, with white hair and a long white beard.

"Who's that," enquired Richy to his dad. "That's God. Thinks he's Vladimir Romanov," came the reply.

I can actually appreciate where Romanov is coming from. The guy has millions tied up in Hearts and wants to progress the club as another high-profile branch of his business empire. Romanov is after progress and I can fully understand that.

George Burley got 12 games in charge, Rix made it to 19, the next poor sod might break the 20-game barrier and in a year or two you could actually find someone keeping the manager's job for a whole season.

Remember Hearts used to do that? Those were the days. They had that big chap with the dark hair and glasses in charge. Craig was his name, I think.

Now there is a manager's chair at Tynecastle that carries the same penalties as breaking Scotland's smoking ban. One draw and you're out the door.

What won't help Ivanauskas over the coming weeks are nonchalant statements like Bob Wilson's last week on the potential of Craig Gordon. "I think I might have to recommend him to Arsene Wenger," said Wilson.

Can you believe this guy actually played for Scotland himself in the 1970s?

Well Bob, a little birdy I know alleges that Arsene Wenger has a policy of not signing Scots because he believes them to be of inferior technique, so where will that leave your recommendation?

And why is your full name Bob Primrose Wilson? I reckon you should be attending to that problem first before worrying about Arsenal's goalkeeping situation.

I once said Gordon was cooler than The Fonz in a fridge in this column, but that's not actually true. After that save from Thomas Buffel last week, he's cooler than The Fonze in a fridge in the Arctic Circle. With the power turned up full, of course.

Gordon's contributions in the next few weeks could go a long way towards keeping Ivanauskas in a job. Or seeing him go up in smoke.

FLY-ON-THE-WALL SEQUENCE IN DVD FOR TARTAN ARMY ENSURES NO COMEDIC VALUE IS LEFT UNTURNED AS CAPTAIN PERFORMS

AS a proud member of the Scotland Supporters Club, I must say how refreshing it is to benefit from some improvements in customer care at Hampden Park.

Along with new membership packs issued a few weeks ago, the Tartan Army have been handed a complimentary DVD, containing footage of the win over Holland at Hampden in 2003, ten of the best goals scored at the national stadium and a look behind the scenes with the Scotland squad throughout 2005. The fly-on-the-wall stuff is without question the best. No, it's not comparable to being a fly on the excrement, however hopeless some folk think Scotland are. Us footsoldiers are sensitive about accusations like that against our team.

The look behind the scenes footage shows training sessions, players resting, playing the Playstation and other leisurely activities employed to pass the time during international get-togethers. Stop yawning, because its comedy value is second to none.

When Ally McCoist lines up a few players one behind the other in front of him during practice and screams "left" to denote the direction in which they are to instantly run, what ensues is disorder that even Vladimir Romanov would be proud of.

Craig Beattie, Kenny Miller, Lee McCulloch, Darren Fletcher and Barry Ferguson are the five involved. Two get it right and sprint left, but Beattie and McCulloch go instinctively to the right which has McCoist in fits.

The remaining player takes a step to the left, and then to the right. He stops short of doing the full Timewarp in front of McCoist, before his bewildered look disappears and he scampers left again to join his more perceptive team-mates.

The man who didn't know his right or his left? Our national captain.

Taken from the Scotsman