Who will volunteer for Romanov's ejector seat?
JONATHAN COATES

THE bogus press release doing the rounds via email yesterday captured the sense of the surreal which has enveloped Hearts this season.

"Heart of Midlothian Football Club today announced that they have sacked all their fans," declared the rogue communication.

"The Hearts support, who joined the club in 1874, were dismissed by owner Vladimir Romanov after a series of poor results. A statement issued on behalf of Mr Romanov said: 'We have been disappointed with the performance of the fans. Results were not what they should have been. The way in which some events were discussed by the paying support was disappointing to us. I'd like to thank the Hearts support for all its hard work. It gave 100 per cent, but ultimately it did not work out."

And so it went on. If you haven't received it yet, it's probably on the way.

The email provided a moment of light relief for supporters who were still reeling from the ruthless sacking of Graham Rix on Tuesday - the third manager to be shown the door by the Lithuanian in a year. But the more serious issue is likely to furrow the brow once again, and linger for some time. That is: where will Hearts find a manager willing to work for the impossible Mr Romanov?

For most people Rix was a choice made out of the blue. Hearts' chairman, the owner's son Roman, declared this week that Rix was their only option at the time. Which seems to rule out all the applicants who were touted in contention for this post last autumn. It also suggests that a low-budget appointment is high on the agenda.

Nevio Scala heads the list of the perennials. The Italian who worked wonders at Parma in the 1990s yesterday reiterated his desire to work in Scotland. But what can have changed? The Lithuanians have already overlooked him once.

Lothar Matthaus is a free agent after leaving his job in Brazil with Atletico Paranaense. He was linked with Hearts last summer and again in October, but the evidence of Valdas Ivanauskas - used daily as a translator at Riccarton but not, despite high credibility, entrusted with the top job - suggests that Romanov would prefer a native English speaker.

Ivanauskas's command of the language is fair, but this is the second time he has been asked to wear a caretaker's jacket at Hearts, and he previously spent a year in charge of Kaunas under Romanov before being asked to take a step back. No matter how much he likes him, Romanov clearly doesn't rate him. In which case he is probably a shoo-in for the job.

Dark horses from the corners of eastern Europe aside, we are left sifting through the unemployed and the hardy annuals. Graeme Souness, Craig Brown, Stuart Baxter, Dave Jones and the prodigal sons with emotional ties - Craig Levein and John Robertson.

You might snort at the mention of the latter names, but we have been trained to expect the unexpected since Romanov came into Scottish football.

The Edinburgh childhood of Souness makes him a natural at this speculative stage. The legendary scrapper's recent departure from Newcastle, which left him labelled a Premiership failure perhaps one too many times, heightens the likelihood he will seek his next challenge in a different league.

Hearts' position of authority in the race for a Champions League qualifying place lends the club pulling power, but as we have learnt in grim fashion, any prospective employee at Hearts must agree to a compromise on autonomy. Souness would presumably rather swallow silver dip than risk humiliation as a puppet to a money man who thinks he knows better and is loose with the trigger.

On to Brown. The former Scotland coach may have been away from the coalface for a while, working in one of those ambiguous "consultant" roles with Fulham, but would this be the kind of stress a 65-year-old should be taking on?

Brown is from the same generation and cut from a similar cloth to Alex Smith, the president of the Scottish Managers and Coaches Association who said this week that any man eager to coach Hearts must have "rocks in their head".

Smith said: "There will be someone out there who wants the job, even though they know it's a really vulnerable position. But the top-class bosses in Britain won't want to know.

"Anyone in for this job will need to go in with their eyes open because they're not going to be their own man. They won't be able to sign players or pick their own team. They wouldn't be a manager, they would be more like part of a squad."

Forget the puritanical Brown. No, this job lends itself either to someone with a strange fascination in offbeat challenges or someone unproven, like Rix, who can't say no to a position of this magnitude. We can rule out the statesmanlike candidates of last year, Sir Bobby Robson, Claudio Ranieri and Ottmar Hitzfeld, who listened to what Hearts had to say and politely declined.

Jones, the former Southampton and Wolves manager now with Cardiff City, has been mentioned and might view Hearts as a step up from his Welsh posting. But he has only been in his present employment less than a year, and Cardiff are battling away on the perimeter of the Championship play-offs.

No Scottish rumour mill can churn without the name of Baxter being thrown in. For a man who has never worked in Scotland, the former Dundee United player is always a contender as he is held in high regard internationally.

Holder of UEFA's prestigious Pro-Licence qualification, Baxter has not worked since resigning as South Africa manager last November. The day he takes a job in the SPL will be the day Hearts and Hibs merge.

Few can claim to know what goes on in his head, but there must be an area of Romanov's heart that has space for the eternally humble, gracious and enthusiastic Scala.

"I would be very happy to be a manager in Scotland," the Italian said yesterday. "It is a very interesting opportunity. I would even be interested in being the director of football if we could discuss it."

But didn't you hear, Nevio? The previous one lasted seven weeks. For a foreigner in Edinburgh, it can take longer to open a bank account.

Taken from the Scotsman