Hearts: The Musical . . . you couldn't make it up

LIAM RUDDEN

ADMIT it, you couldn't script the happenings at Tynecastle Stadium over the past couple of years. If you had, the resulting drama would have appeared too far-fetched to be taken seriously.

But just imagine you could - and the end product was a musical . . .

Faced with horrendous debts, Hearts' chief executive, Chris Robinson, proposes a move from the club's historic home, Tynecastle Stadium, to Murrayfield.

Fans call for his resignation but he hangs on, launching into a defiant rendition of I Will Survive that would make Gloria Gaynor proud.

The Right Honourable George Foulkes MP is brought in as the club's chairman.

Liaising with the fans he immediately asks the board to delay the proposed move, swaying them with a moving version of The Green, Green Grass of Home (changing the lyrics to the "maroon, maroon, grass of home" - obviously).

Shirley Bassey meets Abba in a medley of From Russia With Love and Money Money Money as a financial saviour is found: Lithuanian businessman Vladimir Romanov flies into the Capital.

With the sudden departure of manager Craig Levein, the search for a replacement is launched. As a fans' chorus belts out a stirring performance of Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out For a Hero, Hearts legend John Robertson returns to the Tynecastle fold to take the reins.

Sadly the return is short-lived as it's announced that team manager - and more importantly, of course, Hearts legend - John Robertson is to be shown the door after refusing a demotion. Romanov sings a quick verse or two of the old Ray Charles' number Hit the Road Jack.

As a long search ensues to find a replacement for Hearts legend Robbo, the team train as normal, working out to an uplifting medley of Hazel Deans' Searchin' which, as George Burley lands the top spot, mixes smoothly into the emotional, Lord Lift Us Up Where We Belong.

Burley proves a shrewd choice as the Jambos top the league and enjoy a fairytale run of ten league matches undefeated.

The team celebrate by chanting the old BA Robertson (that's not the legendary Hearts legend) football anthem Knocked It Off.

Horror strikes as first Burley is fired (exits to a quick verse of Bang Bang, BA's other hit) and then Anderton is pushed (exits to Another One Bites The Dust). Left with a dilemma, Foulkes relives his youth as a Clash fan as he sings Should I Stay or Should I Go? He goes.

Just when the fans think they must have had heard it all they discover that former Chelsea coach Graham Rix has been hired as team coach . . . in the background a radio plays Young Girl by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.

In a bid to win overall control of Hearts, Romanov drafts an offer to shareholders . . . and has a quick boogie to Abba's The Winner Takes it All.

Alas, however, the finale has yet to be written and only time will tell whether Queen's We Are The Champions or Down Down by Status Quo plays as the curtain falls on a season that, despite their success, the Tynecastle faithful will probably want to put behind them as quickly as possible.

• Hearts the Musical is a work of fiction as are all characters. Any resemblance to persons living or dead, events, or locations is entirely coincidental - honest.

Hear Liam Rudden every Wednesday at 6.30pm on the Bob Malcolm Show on Forth2

Taken from the Scotsman