The one option left for Romanov the ruthless

Christian O'Connell
Saturday November 5, 2005
The Guardian

A poetry-spouting, former Lithuanian submariner who started out his career selling Elvis Presley bootlegs from the back of a taxi has achieved something I thought could never be done. He's made the Scottish Premierleague interesting.

When he arrived 13 months ago Vladimir Romanov looked like he was going to be a Roman Abramovich-style messiah, bringing success through cash. But in the past fortnight he's rocked Scotland's world. He has:

1 Parted company with George Burley - who had guided the Jambos to the top of the SPL - due to "irreconcilable differences." This translates as "I pay the wages. I pick the team. You're fired." When questioned by the press he responded by reciting a poem about "prisms of light".

2 Sacked the chief executive Phil Anderton for not "ticking all the boxes", ie "I pay the wages. I'll pick the new manager. You're fired as well."

3 Turned up at the chairman George Foulkes's house with wine and flowers bought from the local Happy Shopper to try and win support for his new regime. When that failed . . . yes, you guessed it. Taxi for Mr Foulkes.

4 Installed his son, Roman Romanov (crazy name, crazy guy) as chairman and chief executive, whose efforts to exude calm and professionalism are eroded by the fact that he looks like a 10-year-old who has just let his mum cut his hair.

Romanov has been painted as an ogre and dictator but I think he should be congratulated. For too long club owners have been left out in the cold. They are ignored if the team wins any silverware and criticised if results go badly.

Look at poor Alan Sugar - hounded out of Spurs simply for spending a shed-load of money on them. Speaking of Sir Alan reminds me that Vladimir might have seen his recent series The Apprentice with its catchphrase "you're fired" and thought that's how all British club owners operate.

If Romanov has put his own cash into the club, why shouldn't he be able to pick the team? Why shouldn't he be able to dictate who the manager should be? As far as I'm concerned he could sack the entire first team and replace them with Metal Mickey. People should realise it's his gaff so it's his rules.

For me, Romanov joins an esteemed group of football club owners who rightly feel they can be as crazy as they want to be. Figures like the late Jesus Gil, the chairman of Atlético Madrid. A former mayor of Marbella and property magnate who did several stints in prison for dodgy deals, he went through 23 managers during his reign. Some lasted only a week before they were given their cards. Did he perform the usual clichéd celebration of an open-top bus parade when Atlético won the Spanish cup double? Nope. He rode through the streets of Madrid on a stallion.

Who could forget the "Lebanese Groucho Marx", Sam Hammam, locking players in a room until they agreed to sign a new contract for Wimbledon or running up and down in front of Cardiff fans, inciting them to "do the Ayatollah". I would rather have Delia Smith offering to fight all the Norwich fans outside than a nameless moneyman as an owner of my team any day of the week.

But perhaps the craziest club owner of all time has to be the former president of the Iraq Football Association - Uday Hussein. Surely the greatest motivation for a player isn't the thought of a bonus or the love of the fans but the thought of having your knackers connected to a car battery if you play badly.

So where now for Vlad the Impaler? He has recently consolidated his shares in Hearts and now owns 55%. He has taken full control of the club and left an indelible mark on Scottish football. The public are still not quite sure whether to love or hate him. But to settle that confusion and to satisfy his clearly massive desire for power there is only one option for him: he should replace Sven as the England manager.

He has shown he can be ruthless which would surely make Sir Alex Ferguson think twice before whining about having to release his internationals again. Portraits of Romanov would hang in every available space on the dressing room wall just like in a South American banana republic.

Some people have described Sven's tactics as having a "scattergun" approach, well Romanov could usefully use the real thing to motivate the players. I bet Michael Owen would soon regain his pace with some buckshot in his arse.

But in the meantime here's some advice to any of the managers interested in taking on the Hearts job. Make sure that when you travel to Edinburgh you get a return ticket.

Taken from the Guardian/Observer