Hearts 1 Dundee 1

Well, I shall let you into a secret that the newspapers failed to pick up on. There were two games in which the home side were down until late equalisers and both were within a close geographical proximity. Yip Tynie and Murrayfield. The lowest common denominator? Why none other than Mr Davy 'call me Sadaam' Allan and his one man nerve gas factory. There were two instances at the Hearts game when Davy let the bowel of satan loose and boy did it have an effect. The first, which you may have read about, was when Jaunjo was going to kick the ball into the net. Alas the guff that was supposed to have been fired earlier to paralyse the Dundee defence was in fact caught by a playful zephyr and diverted up the nostrils of our poor unfortunate Spanish forward. The effect was plain to see, Jaunjo was laid out on his back, stunned as indeed was the crowd who watched his effort a yard from goal nearly clear the back of the Gorgie Road stand.

A mathematical stato is Mr Allan, judging the winds and taking into account of the heat rising from the rather increasingly irate home supporters, he launched another cloud. Gotcha! Dundee had not experienced anything like this since passing the abattoir in Naples on a hot day in August. Jaunjo now having been immunised against this satanic fug, kept his head, shot and scored.

The weapon also explains the low turnout for the game. Apparently, Mr A was spotted in Howies, stoking up his internal chemical plant with red wine, port and three different blue cheeses. Word got out and many decided to head home and avoid a near death experience. The luckiest survivors were Neil and Bryan who were smoking behind the human chemical weapon when it went off. Had it backfired, rows 20 to 30 would have been incinerated.

A cursory look at the Scotland v Wales game, clearly showed that the Welsh defence was at sixes and sevens and quite frankly standing in a stupor. It was recalled that Mr Allan had supplemented his chemical brew with a pint in the Diggers before the game. He had ran, well may be that is an exaggeration but certainly staggered quickly from Tynie to the game at Murrayfield thus priming the remaining salvo ready for use again.

Mr Hughes who was next to Mr Allan Tynecastle is said to recovering in hospital.