Hearts 2 Dunfermline 0

Well well well. Only one game lost to Dunfermline in the last fourteen. Ahahahaha. Sweet sweet feeling. Beating a team like Dunfermline is always good; nature approves. Beating Celtic and Rangers is obviously supreme, partly because it happens so rarely these days (and younger folks might not realise that Hearts have had impressive winning runs against them in the last ten years) but also because you feel nature has been defied, the natural order has been upset, you’ve scored an away goal in life’s rich crapestry. That may sound very defeatist, but Celtic and Rangers are beaten by very few Scottish clubs nowadsys, and Hearts’ failure to do so is no reflection on our merit. Losing only one in fourteen to Dunfermline, however, is a useful marker of Hearts’ worth. This season we have beaten Aberdeen three times. We have won, drawn and lost against Hibernian. Dundee continue as a Hearts benefit, while United have deserved their luck and won at Tynecastle twice, while Hearts’ away record stands up very well. So whilst we think we have seen some sublime football this season, courtesy of Fuller, and some unbelievably poor stuff, courtesy of a list too long to include here, the actual fact is that it’s been an averagely all right season. Even the hammerings have been low-scoring. The usual weasels in the Scottish media have snidely pointed out that McKenna’s our top scorer, and top of the pops this week is Badly Drawn Conclusion. Number One error is that he’s scored a few when played as a striker (and Blue Square lost a packet at offering him as 50-1 first goalscorer against Rangers, not realising what position he was going to play) and Number Two error is that Hearts have an impressive spread of scorers – Flogel is the only notable culprit/absentee (“cow’s arse in danger from Flogel’s banjo” was one of the impressive suggestions of Unlikeliest Headline) – and Hearts are fourth-top goalscorers throughout the League, proving that we need Fuller as much for the width and pace he gives as for his goals.

Like everyone else, no-one hereabouts has any idea what the next season will be like. Personally, I think that Fulton has proved his worth to Hearts this season and against Dunfermline he and Flogel were head and shoulders above anyone else on the park in terms of technique and determination. To lose both would be a horrible shock to Hearts’ midfield, where possession is ten-tenths of the football law. Hearts are in serious danger of losing the spine of the team by losing players who don’t just sit around and wait for their moment. Fulton and Hearts got lucky today, because Mahe’s early exit allowed The Fat God Himself onto the pitch after 20 minutes, and he proceeded to enjoy himself to the full, aided by a Hearts team who, though clueless in themselves, were enthusiastic enough to go for it. We outbattled Dunfermline, and that’s a very heartening feeling. Webster and McKenna played positively and solidly, and Severin put in a power of good work. The closer he plays to the opposition’s goal, the happier he is, - and the happier I am, too. I’ll forward a point of view hitherto unsubscribed: I think Stephen Simmonds is a vital cog in a good Hearts team. He’s got huge talent, yeah. He’s also very dirty, I know that. I also know he can stand around, or drift, or do not very much. But his movement makes other Hearts players move. He is never very far away from the ball, and his little touches and flicks keep Hearts alive, and my biggest fear is that Hearts will be a team of defenders and midfielders and attackers, never venturing from their usual furrow. Simmonds’ style of play – lazy you can call it, or just watching to see where he thinks the play will be going if you like – encourages a more fluid game of football which (if someone like Fulton is on the park) is to Hearts’ advantage. Simmonds is, of course, still only 19, and hopefully people are not going to be shouting abuse at him from Section F. Or at least not for a couple of years yet.

I am quite aware that the opinions expressed under this by-line are worth no more than anyone else’s, but Alan Maybury, despite his youth, is not likely to get any better. That’s particularly worrying because he’s shite. Nae brains, and not a whole heap of ability either. We buried Austin McCann (and Kenny Milne’s not feeling very well either) and I’m afraid young Mr M simply hasn’t the savvy to make Hearts better. In fact, he consistently puts Hearts under pressure, and we can’t expect Niemi to save every penalty Maybury gives away. For sure, it was glorious when it was saved, made more so by Kirk’s goal following Fuller’s sublime twist, turn away and carefully measured pass, but at one goal up Hearts had it in the bag and Alan Maybury’s idiocy could have thrown it all away and I wouldn’t now be addressing the nation with such deep joy. As I speak, Hibernian are about to engage in a bitter struggle with Motherwell for the prestigious 10^th place slot. Attention, all you Hibs scum down there! Yes, you know who I am! I’m up here, looking down at you down there!